It's been nearly 2 years

Hi! I'm Deb. What a path it has been since dec 2020. I've first been so tired after being infected for the 3d time, with heavy legs pain and weakness. But I went on with a job where I had to walk kind of a lot -9 month long (as a social worker). In november 21, it had a total breakdown. Couldn't do anything for about 4 months. Chest pain, dizziness, so exausthed I couldn't go for a walk en even less go to work.

After that, I started to have social fears and agitation when in the city, by overstimulitation. I was so hypersensitive, I could feel everyones feellings, smell every smells sometimes 10 feets away! It was unbearable. At first, I thaught I had a burnout. It's so difficult to trace a line between long covid and other look alike symptoms.. I started with a minima dodsis of antidepressants. Because that's all what doctors could advise. After a check up in the hospital (living in Europe), longcovid wqs diagnosticated. The only solution -they said- working with the pacing method and have rest! I'm doing this since then. For the first time in 2 years, I've been able to go dance 3 hours in the summer 22. That was such a succes! I thought that it was going the bright way... But I've been going up and down again since then. I'm still not working (and lost my job also). When I feel beter, I'm carrefully putting rythm in my activities, but every time, I break down again. Like for a hole month. I call it 'the red zone'. And when I'm to long in this exausthed fase, I get all kinds of depressive symptoms (I've never had depression or any psych problems!). Then, I feel so discouraged after so long. I've had 4times suicidal ideas (wouldn't concretise it! Cause I'm a christian), that was scary and not typical at all for me. I'm merely positive... But... How does one deals with that? With this unknown timeline?

One great difficulty, is getting on with frustration. Wanna do things, wanna go out.. and get stuck for the 100000 day on my couch watching documentaries. What helped: praying everyday and being gratefull for all other things: friends, a cosy place to live, a social system where I still get paid (but it ends in october this year), i can eat every day what I like... Greatfullness helped me not getting totally in the dark. Or still see the stars in the dark :) My family turned their backs on me (they didn't understand.. or didn't wanted to be confronted by pain). I felt really alone in this. I'm 40 and live alone... I knew that there was one thing I had to be carefull about: keeping contact with my friends. So I put this rule for myself: once a week at least, grab coffee with a friend, or call one if I can't get out. That's been kind of magic, because in this whole period, there was always one good soul who was there regularly for a while. As he took distance (yeah cause it's also heavy for friends), someone else came by and took the place (without knowing each other!). So there was always a good friend around. I'm so gratefull for that.. So when I cry my soul out for days, I do it alone. I learn to lean on myself. And sometimes.. Only sometimes in the arm of a good friend. But it's really testing relationships, when you're not the same old anymore for so long.. And some friends has gone. Some couldn't understand, or thought I "wasn't doing the right thing to work at my recovery" or saying that I should sport, meditate, stop smoking pot (yeah, cause it calms me down) and if I didn't do all that, I "wasn't really waana get better". A lot of jugments and rejections. But at the end, the friends left are those who understand, accept me as I am, have such a generous heart, cause they've experienced what's like to lose oneself, because their love is greater than the thoughts about me. That's a beautifull lesson. And the great lessons seems to be learnt in difficulties. So that's my story. I hope to come by on some solutions by subscribing on this forum! And maybe help others... Only the fact that we're not alone in this, makes it what.. sweeter. Thank you for the opportunity!